Like prizefighters in a ring, it’s time for these two heavyweights to duke it out. I know who I’d bet on for going the distance for mental health, but often, particularly in comedy, I can be alone on this.
People love to sing the praises of self-deprecation.
“That’s the only humor I use,” I hear every time I bring it up in a class. And not just comedy classes. Rather than challenge fans on this, I have come to accept self-deprecation, exposing vulnerability to get a laugh. More often than not it’s a reflex to make people feel comfortable. For some it’s even a premeditated way to create connection. I’ll admit, it’s probably more effective than leading with how fabulous you are for getting people to engage. But at what price?
I’m reminded of an exchange I had reuniting with my first boss, a Broadway comedy director, over coffee many years later. Not sure what prompted it, but the use of self-deprecation came up. His response? “Not funny after 40.” He went on to elaborate that in professional circumstances, where people are paying you to do a job, no one finds minimizing your ability even with humor charming. In fact it can create anxiety. Lo these many years and experiences later, I couldn’t agree more. Although if you’re really committed to using it, definitely don’t say anything related to what you are hired to do. The feminist in me will add, women can take a pass on it altogether.
We don’t need to throw ourselves under the bus to get a laugh. One of the most impressive aspects of Allie Wong’s new special is her almost total rejection of self denigrating humor. She does make fun of being Chinese, and doesn’t describe herself as a “10,” but neither is presented as a bad thing. It’s refreshing to hear a well crafted set where a woman is happy with herself.
Moving on to the comedy underdog, self-compassion. I get it, nothing about this phrase sounds funny. When did anyone write a joke where the punchline is “compassion!” ? Never. However, if we’re talking about setting ourselves up to have more laughter in our lives overall, there’s no better tool. The fact is, when we’re preoccupied blaming ourselves, doubting ourselves, and/or hating ourselves, we’re definitely not able to laugh. At ourselves or anything.
Recently, in one of my darker raising-a-teen moments, my high school bestie Tina Dockstader and the founder of Wise Parenting, introduced me to the work of Dr.Kristin Neff. I loved hearing Neff’s wisdom on this podcast called Screenagers: How Self Compassion Can Make Parenting Easier. I was also struck by how, like the tools used for creating connection through laughter, Dr. Neff’s specifics for creating self-compassion are transferable for managing all of life’s challenges. And how many of her suggestions cross over with ours, like accepting imperfection, No surprise, Neff also runs workshops for caregivers and there’s one coming up on November 7th!
In conclusion then, if I’m ringside at the battle between self-deprecation and self-compassion, I’m still rooting for the latter. It’s not that I want to see self-deprecation battered and bloody, although think of the material, I just want self-compassion to be the victor, loping around all corners of the ring, arms held high, Rocky style. Instead of yelling “Adrienne!,” it’s shouting, “We are all human! We are all human!” to the same thunderous applause.
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