Yesterday a dear friend of mine sent me the link to a video of Brooke Shields crying. Not because I feel so connected to her since I also auditioned for The Blue Lagoon at 14. I didn’t get it. No, my friend sent it over because Ms. Shields is so unapologetically bereft in the wake of her daughters going to college. Two of them have flown the coop leaving her an official “empty nester.” I still have a son at home, but Amy and I grew up together and although I’m crying yet, she knows I will be soon.
Seeing so much raw emotion on the small screen initially made me squirm a little. Until I read some of the comments and saw women expressing appreciation for her bravery. Shields’ authenticity gave license to mothers everywhere to let it rip on the emotional fall-out of the often devastating quiet after the storm of raising children.
“It means you’ve done it right,” is what we’re told after they launch. Yes…and, it still feels like a part of my flesh and bones and blood is traipsing around, laughing and eating and doing laundry (God willing!) without even thinking of me! WTF?!
But seriously, in the interest of being able to get back to laughter, I have joined the “Go Brooke!”choir. Because I know as well as I know the calorie count of a corn muffin, the only way to return to joy, to contagious, uncontrollable laughter is to let yourself cry just like that. To go all the way in and allow yourself to be so vulnerable it may make comedians, lawyers and most heterosexual men a little uncomfortable. It's totally worth it.
While I usually share prescriptions for laughter, I’d love to take a beat to suggest ways to help you surrender to grief, certainly not limited to “empty nesters.” Adjusting to loss is the constant of being alive. Here’re my tips for this holiday weekend, should you need them.
- Lower the lights and put on Joni Mitchell’s “Blue” album
- Watch “Terms of Endearment.” If you don’t know it, trust me.
- Go on Youtube and search videos where soldiers return home
- Ditto only add “dogs responding to”
- Put on Neil Young’s “Only Love Can Break Your Heart”- the chorus is easy to learn so you can sing it at the top of your lungs. He pretty much nails it.
There are countless more, each personal to us. My only caveat with this exercise - set a timer for 20 minutes. You can always hit repeat if you don’t feel fully expressed, but my experience is, you will. What we don’t want, and what will block the happier feelings, is a slow burn of sadness. So get in there, have a good cry, have the best cry of your life. Then when ready, shake it off and try to get excited about what’s next - maybe with some inspiration from the Pointer Sisters!
P.S. This is a rinse and repeat situation.Grief - and I believe children leaving the nest belongs here - is often the gift that keeps on giving. When it hits, lean in and let it be. Thank you John , Paul, George and Ringo, you really can’t beat that song for helping us get to the other side.
