I’ve been working on a talk I’ll be giving about using comedians' tools to create connection through cognitive decline. The audience there will be a mix of caregivers and people who don’t yet know that they will be.
Like most of us.
Because according to this article in the NY Times, cases of Alzheimer’s will double by 2060 to a staggering one million diagnoses a year in the U.S. So if you saw the word Alzheimer’s and were about to click away, stick with me here. Because even if dementia hasn’t touched your life yet, chances are very high that it will.
I’m not saying it’s going to be you, or even your family, but if you live in the U.S. - and plan on staying - you will know someone who forgets more than where they parked their car at the mall.
Risking TMI, I tell anyone who asks that my father died of Cancer almost 30 years ago. It was painful and sad and everything we know about cancer and morphine drip endings. But, and here’s my real point, people came to visit him until the day before he died. After my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, within 6 months she was down to two friends who would visit. There are those who said, “I just want to remember her the way she was.” Which…no comment. Other people, though, would say they wanted to visit but were afraid. They didn’t know what to do or what to say and were just generally afraid of the whole experience. So they stalled. And then, well, the problem went away.
I’ve seen some of these people since and they always feel badly about themselves for it. And the guilt is much worse when it’s a family member or someone you truly loved. I teach a memoir class to 85-100 year olds and stories of not showing up for their parents and the shame they still feel are not uncommon.
This is why I made it part of my mission to give people simple tools to help them show up. To be clear I am not talking about four hour visits where everyone leaves exhausted. That’s not necessary. I’m suggesting ideas to help you walk through the door, make eye contact and make every effort to engage and hopefully even share a smile. Here’s a short list. If you want more information about any of these I am inviting you to reach out to me directly, Dani@laughteroncall.com.
- Eye Contact - This is not too small to mention. Get at eye level with the person and look them in the eye and say hello.
- Treats - Bring some. Find out what the person loves to eat and bring some of it. It does tend to be something sweet, but worth asking.
- A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words - In most cases just a quaint phrase, in the case of cognitive decline, it can be genuinely true. Not that the person you are visiting can launch into a cohesive soliloquy, but it might put a light in their eyes. If they can’t talk, you can. Bringing a picture of family, or celebrities the person admired is a great launching off point for connection.
- Stay Present - Put the phone down, don’t look at your watch. Set a timer if you only have half an hour so you can be fully present for that time. When people lose their minds they are much more sensitive. They can feel impatience and it can be agitating.
- Play Music or Sing - You don’t have to be Barbara Streisand to break into song and invite the person to sing with you. If you can figure out the era when they were 18 and find a pop song from that time, all the better. But there are classics that work. I once had a whole room of people who had looked to be asleep singing, “Amazing Grace.”
These are the top five that come to mind but there are many more. If you’re interested in learning more I recommend Anne Basting’s book, Creative Care. I’ll leave you with one fact I just uncovered. Whether you are a full time caregiver or not, it is very important that you find ways to engage in ways that create positive emotions. Not only for the PWD (person with dementia) but for yourself. This study revealed the importance of “positive emotional qualities” in a caregiving relationship toLaughter as a legit prophylactic against depression when grief hits? Yes, please.
